I am writing you this letter because I trust you the most.

Please don't break me into smaller pieces than I already am.

Melanie. You have been there for me whenever I needed you, and now I need you the most.

Let me begin with some history..

I don't know how or why this all started but I do have an idea. I am going to be blunt because theres no way to dance around this. It needs to be said. I don't want to pretend anymore. I need to be a girl. I am not supposed to be a boy..but please allow me to explain.

When a fetus is developing in the mother, in order to become a boy it is flooded with testosterone. The organs of the body require little testosterone to change, but the brain requires a very large amount. If the brain does not get a sufficient amount of testosterone, you will end up with a child who is male but has the mind of a female. I believe this may be what has happened to me.

I like girly clothes and shoes and makeup. I don't like playing sports very much. When I am online, I make friends much easier with girls than with boys. Almost my whole buddy list is filled with girls. I have no desire to work out and get buff, get a 6 pack or get large muscles. I am very sensitive about the world. You probably know that I cry easily if you yell at me. I used to borrow your clothes as a child and got caught.

Since I got a job I've bought my own clothes and shoes which have been found. I shaved my legs and underarms all last winter, somehow I managed to buy shaving cream and a razor from Wegmans. I got to wear pants all winter to hide my legs. I don't know if anyone noticed but I wore pajama pants to bed so no one would find out... No I didn't steal Missy's dress either, her stuff would be too small for me. I'm sensitive about my weight like other girls. Even as a child...

I used to dream about what it would b e like to be a female. How I knew I should be. I drew pictures of how I wanted to look in my little sketchbook with my magic markers.

When no one was home at the old house I would sometimes borrow some of Elizabeths clothes and pretend I was the person I need to be. I feel more comfortable wearing girls clothing than mens.

I know I am not just gay because I am not attracted to men how I am.

When I am a guy, I am attracted to women and only women. When I am dressed as a girl, and can feel like I am a girl, then I can be attracted to men or women. The more I can dress up, put on makeup (I've only got lipstick so far..) or look like a girl, the more I feel like I am truly a girl, the more I can be attracted to men.

I don't have an explanation for this but since I am telling the truth here I might as well say this too. I don't walk around the mall and find guys to be cute, but I also don't walk around the mall wearing girls clothes.

I do walk around the mall and look at the other girls, jealous of their natural femininity. They can live their lives and never have to worry about things like this.

I on the other hand must do what I must do to be at peace with who I am. The life of a transgendered person is not easy and I believe that this is the source of all the stress and depression I have been feeling.

Generally speaking, to become a girl a Male to Female transitioner will start by telling his parents. I can't speak to Mom or Dad about this.

I trust you the most so I am putting this letter into your hands. I know I must tell them sometime..but it will be infinitely easier with your help.

In a M2F? (Male to female) transition there are a few basic steps. First, you tell your parents if you are living with them. Then you go to therapy, and begin taking hormones. At some point, living as a female full time is begun.

Eventually a SRS (Sexual Reassignment Surgery) procedure can be done, along with brea st augmentation if the hormones do not do enough. There are also rib removals, adams apple shavings, facial reconstructions, but I don't think I need any of those if I act quickly.

A M2F? transitioner will generally need electrolysis to get rid of facial hair and possibly body hair. Hormones will make body hair finer and less noticeable but it depends on what your body is like.

The path to becoming female is long and tedious. Although I do seem to have it easier than some. I have fuller lips, longer eyelashes, bigger eyes, and higher cheekbones than my friends. I have wider hips, and less muscles.

If you compare the shape of my arms to a female there is basically no difference. I have started walking 2 hours per day to get into shape. At 17 my facial hair only needs to be shaved every 2 weeks or so and I have minimal chest hair. I am lucky in this regard.

If I can begin taking anti-androgens then my masculinization will stop. I will probably not have to have any ext ensive electrolysis, I will stop getting so damn tall, and testosterone will stop ruining the one body I get on this earth.

Progesterone or estrogen is the other hormone, which will create breasts, make hair more fine, and create a more womanly shape. It also moves fat to the female areas also creating less of a manly look.

Everyone I've talked to says I need to begin as soon as possible. The fact that I realize I must be a girl at this age is a blessing I have been told.

It is saving me a lot of hassle the sooner I start on my transition. This is why I didn't wait till I've moved out of the house.

The rest of the process is something I have thought about but will need to be dealt with in the future. Right now...all I need is to stop the testosterone and start on with the rest of my life.

I am sick of hiding who I am from you, Mis, Mom and Dad. I don?t think i will tell my friends soon, except for maybe Kyle. By the time I am ready to go full time, I would pro bably be ready also to move somewhere..which could make this whole process so much easier.

I have done my research on this and have decided it's 99% sure it's the path for me. I have been wanting to be a girl since I can first remember being able to think. The worlds perception of transexuals and transvestites is not correct.

I have spoken with many online and they have 90% been helpful supportive people to me. The difference between them is that a transvestite likes wearing womens clothing, a transexual wants to be, or has become a woman.

The collective name for anyone who is not entirely male or female or is undergoing a transition is transgendered. The change from one sex to another is called "transition".

Male to female transitioners have a much easier time than female to male transitioners, when it comes to the physcial spectrum.

There is an e-book I want you to read called "Mom, I need to be a girl". It's about a girl younger than me who began her transition at an early age with the help of her mom.

I cried when i read it because it sounded so beautiful and gave me hope. You can find it at www.justevelyn.com

After writing this I don't know what to say. If I am near you I will probably start crying when you look up from this paper and look at me. If I am not near you I might be crying anyway.

This is how I feel. With luck and perseverance everything can be right in my life, but I can't do it without your support. I love you Melly and need you now more than ever to figure this all out..

Please do not show this to Leandro, Christian, Mis, Mom or Dad or anyone else.

Submitted by Julia (8/5/2004)

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