To Mum
I have something I need to tell you, which i am scared about revealing, but know it must be done. I'm writing a letter because I'm nowhere near as good as speaking as I am writing, and I would not get across all I wanted to say.
I've been getting very depressed recently, over stupid little things that were upsetting me or making me feel bad. Please please PLEASE don't think what I'm about to say is a phase, because I've felt this way for a good 2-3 years or so, even a bit before that. The truth is I feel that I am transsexual.
I don't know if you know anything about this, but it means you possess (in my case) a female brain, and are uncomfortable with the body you are in. There's a lot more info about it at www.transsexual.org.
I'm telling you this now because I love you lots, and I know you'd find out at some point, so I'd like you to try to get used to the idea. I've thought for a long time whether these feelings were real, and if they'd go away with time... But by the looks of things, they won't.
I've told you before about me not getting much sleep in the night times, and that's because of me being in puberty, and my body is producing sperm and chucking it out every 4 days or so. I can't begin to explain how much I dislike that, it makes me feel awful.
I know to stop it happening in the night time I should masturbate, but I hate doing that, its disgusting and it really freaks me out. I have been getting dreams which have involved me being a girl, and I really liked them, to me it felt “right”.
I envy other girls, because they can dress and do things that I cannot. I don't know what you must be feeling right now, but I felt me being away for 4 days would give you enough time on your own to think, I didn't want to pile everything on top of you all at once with no time.
I'll always be the same person, but I don't feel comfortable with the way I am right now. I hope you're okay with this
Love, Lucy
Submitted by Lucy (7/16/2004)
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