Dear Family,

It is time for me to make one of the hardest, scariest, and most final decisions that I postponed for the summer. I am cautious and prepared for the response, but what needs to be done, needs to be done.

Above all, I want to say that I love everyone here. I stayed and helped out over this summer because it was what needed to be done. I couldn't bring myself to leave with my father in the hospital and everything looking dire.

At the same time I also had my feelings of frustration. I did not want to spend my father's roughest time in recovery squabbling about who loved him and what my identity was. I settled with dealing by internalizing that conflict till it could be dealt with everyone here. I kept the pain inside me even though it was the last thing I wanted to do.

In my heart and mind, I know myself to be a young woman, and not the young man you see on the outside. That was where my counselor in Lakewood left off last year. She suggested that I find places where I can get the chance to explore myself and work toward being out with the people I know, including my family. She was willing to help, through being a middle party, in working this out. She is willing to talk about, if you wish, about what transsexuality is, and the different ways for families to deal with it. I really would like to obtain a referral from our current health care provider and get back into therapy with her. It is time to take the next steps legitimately.

I don't know exactly know where I stand with my family. I hurt because I feel like there isn't any effort to know me. For all I know, you're just loosely accepting Jim looking more feminine with his longer hair. I still have no idea if I can be accepted as I am. I'm not him. I am someone quite a bit different. I feel like there isn't concern for who is really there. If that is true, then I need to leave for the sake of my own well being. But if I leave, I am not leaving because I don't love you.

I am still your child. I always will be. You've taught me many values that I hold dear. I value them enough to pass them on to my adopted children, when that day comes. I still want them to know my family and how important you are to me. Even though we haven't seen eye-to-eye on this, I hope that this will make more sense in the future.

Love, Your daughter and granddaughter, Evelyn

Submitted by Evie (9/1/2004)

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