My opinions here have changed quite a bit since I wrote this... and some are a tad immature, in my opinion. I'll make some of my own comments along the way. First a little background. For the past year (almost) I had been in therapy trying to figure out what was wrong with me. It was obvious that something was bothering me that I was keeping hidden, but I refused to let it out. I finally discovered what that hidden thing was: Gender Dysphoria. I knew that my time was short and that testosterone and the road to an ugly man body was all too quick, so I took action within two weeks. Here is what I said:

Dearest Mommy and Daddy,

I want you to know, first of all, that I love both of you guys very much and that I'm not purposely trying to do anything that would hurt you. Because of what I have decided about my sexuality, you may think it is "wrong" due to social mores (or social expectations in layman's terms), that this is your fault because of how you raised me, that I'm breaking some sacred law or that what I want is, to be quite blunt, "wrong". It may even be some other reason I'm not yet aware of, but would certainly like to know if you could tell me. After all, it's not easy to have your child come up to you and say that he doesn't like his sex and wants to change it.

(NOTE: Notice the use of male pronouns. While I despised this, I used them as to not alienate my parents.)

It means that whatever hopes you had for your child suddenly are changed. Who you pictured your child to be has completely morphed into what the media depicts as a "freak". Indeed, transsexuals are the most highly discriminated against group in the United States. A good 50% of all transsexuals die before the age of thirty because of this, most through suicide... but others from murder. Even the homosexual community isn't completely at ease with us it seems. I don't want to sound like any "expert", since I've only been doing research for less than a week, but I do know a lot more than the average person because of this, so I figured that you guys might understand better if I went into an explanation. This may not change anything at all, but I figure it's worth a try. I'd hate to have to lose everything because I'm different than "everyone else".

(NOTE: The next part is theoretical, but it helps justify things to my uber religious parents if the problem is just as medical as being born without a pinky finger.)

Transsexuality is caused in the womb when the fetus is still developing. At this point, the physical sex of the fetus has obviously been determined, thanks to the X / Y chromosome that was contained in the sperm -- however things can still go awry. Occasionally, the wrong signal is sent by hormones for certain developments. This generally ends up with what are known as "birth defects". This is why hermaphrodites exist, as well as those born without or with too many limbs. There are several that are missing organs as well and such, but most of these become miscarraiges. Sensory Integration Dysfunction is a birth defect... and so is transsexuality.

(NOTE: I have Sensory Integration Dysfunction, so it put a familiar spin on things.)

Transsexuality is caused by a hormone sending a signal for the stem cells to create brain tissue in a certain way -- a way we like to call the WRONG way. Essentially, the brain develops the wiring of the opposite sex... thus the brain is the wrong gender for the body. In other words, a transsexual is literally a person; a mind; trapped in the wrong body -- or at least the wrong brain wiring for the body. The question here is how am I so sure of this? Well, after reading about the description of the early life of a transsexual (early life meaning through the age I am now), I'm almost convinced.

(NOTE: At this point, I am convinced.)

Simply reading about it was like reading a biography of my life written by someone I didn't even know: a disturbing yet enlightening experience. Most TS (shorthand for transsexuals) are rejected while growing up. They don't fit in with their same sex because they act like the other gender (once again caused by the wrong brain wiring) and they're rejected by the other gender because they are a different sex... thus the TS is forced early on into the role of a social outcast. They go through life like this for the most part unless they can put on a facade of who they really are, which makes the TS suicidal from denying what and who they are by holding back feelings and emotions that they've been taught by society are incorrect.

In my case, it went very much like just about every other majour transsexual case. I have brief memories of early in my life back on Gainesmill where I used to dress up... but not often in men's clothing. Even then I found men's clothing restrictive and boring. I liked the bright varying colours and designs much more.

(NOTE: This is true with almost all children, gender not mattering. I just hoped my parents wouldn't realize this...)

Also around this time, I used to put Blue Blankey (NOTE: my security blankey that I sleep with every night) around my head with the ruffles out so I looked like a flower. Rather than play ball or other physical activity, I played pretend, often with my stuffed animals like Little Foot and even Blue Blankey and White Blankey (NOTE: my OTHER security blankey! ^^). Often, White Blankey was the father and Blue Blankey was the daughter and I was Blue Blankey's friend and we went on adventures (don't ask me how in the world I actually remember this XD!). When we visited Linda and Lisa (NOTE: my cousins), I had so much fun with Lisa because we used to pretend that we were a mice family together and we would go on adventures... I fondly remember that most clearly when we did it over at Uncle Roscoe's house. The only "boyish" activity I ever really engaged in was occasionally frisbee and mostly the act of using duplos and building blocks at nursery school. In fact, now that I think about it, I did have other interests as well, but they were purely scientific in nature -- such as mildew and toilets. I loved toilets... but who says a girl has to like ALL girl things?

In Kindergarten, I was almost immediately shunned by my peers. You know why? I didn't like what the boys were doing at all and the girls wouldn't play house with me because I was a boy. I loved the playhouse they had in that room... there was a broom and a kitchen and rugs... it was GREAT! They even had cups with orange juice and milk! Also around this time, I was obsessive with dolls. I don't know if you recall, but I always liked the dolls (although I never actually said I liked them I think) in the Service (NOTE: like a Target or Walmart) and Toys ‘R Us magazines. I especially liked the doll that came with a bottle and food... and it would appear that it actually ATE and DRANK! I remember enjoying a guilty pleasure over at Scott Porter's once (NOTE: Scott was my friend until he died at age nine from a brain annurism) when I found his sister's doll and started giving it milk from a bottle. I was enthralled... until Katie took it away. Still, I liked that doll and tried to find it every time I came over. I also the dolls that came with their own name and birth certificate. You'll also remember that I got a playhouse / dollhouse that I used to play with constantly (you know... the one where you could put the people down the hole into the trash can? >=) ) and the fact that I used to play with the barbie dolls when I found out we had them (unlike Keith, I actually did like dressing them =P ). (NOTE: Keith is my younger brother) I also liked your talking doll that used records. Please note that this is the first time I'm actually putting this in this light, as even then I knew that boys didn't play with such things, so it remained a guilty pleasure most of the time that I really didn't understand -- nor did I even pay attention to. Either way, in Kindergarten, I was the kid in the book section who was always trying to get the "Where's Waldo?" book from people... often in vain -- simply because none of the other kids would play with me.

In first grade, just about my only friends were girls (Anne Primeaux and Behnaz Abumali). I did have friends that were boys, though, like Scott and Scotty. I didn't have much of a problem in first grade other than having to wear pantyhose for a play that I thought was dumb to begin with (I thought my science fiction idea was much better!) and the fact that I cried up a storm when I got my card changed for writing on the desks. I'll be honest. There's not much to say here except that this was also the year that I taped my penis down, hoping it would disappear; followed by an attempt at cutting it off with scissors.

(NOTE: I get a tad overzealous here on boy bashing. Don't get offended, because I'm not saying this about all guys ;) )

In second grade, I was rejected by just about every boy I knew for the sheer fact that I announced that I hated all boys and became incredibly popular with just about every girl for proudly saying "Girls rule and boys drool." Of course, they liked me because it was a boy saying it, but I honestly believed that and still do about certain guys to this day. There are many guys I know out there that are stupid, obnoxious animals with no manners, no common sense and a low intelligence level caused by the fact that they think with their dicks. Scientific studies even show that the female mind, while smaller, is much more efficient; similar to improved computer technology. The female mind is literally an upgrade of the male one! Enough of that, however... and I don't mean to be offensive. What I'm trying to say is that I angered several boys in second grade, officially alienating just about everyone I knew then for the grades to come.

In third grade, I was the resident genius, getting second place in the science fair and aceing every test put in front of me. I was also known as the biggest fibber after convincing about half the class that I had built a time machine out of a skateboard (ala Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog). The important thing here, however, was a book I found. A book that to this day I consider one of my favourites... and an influential one at that. It was entitled "Marvin Redpost: Is he a Girl?". It was about a boy who kissed his elbow and started turning into a girl. I loved it, as I often wished that I could turn into a girl. I actually tried throughout the year to kiss my elbow in hopes that it would turn me into a girl. It was the only book that I ever had out late and, next to an alien book they had, was the book I checked out more than any other. I read the book possibly fifteen times total that year. I also had dreams that I made a machine that would turn people into the opposite sex... and I would always "accidentally" use it on myself. I remember quite distinctly that when I turned into a girl in my dreams, there was an odd feeling, like my stomach flipped in my lower abdomen. I also felt more alive and the world seemed to brighten for some odd reason. It was an indescribable ecstacy for me in my dreams and I was always disappointed when I woke up. I had about three of these dreams that year and I tried to learn hypnosis so I could eventually hypnotize myself into thinking I was a girl. I'm sure you remember me checking out all those books on hypnosis.

In fourth grade, I took special interest in my first experience with a tom boy; a girl by the name of Tara Sagesar. We got along rather well, although we weren't technically friends... Clinton had me over a few times in which I always played as the female characters on his video games, but there isn't much to say about fourth grade except that I threw up on Jonathan Ray's carpet when I slept over there. I feel so sorry for his poor parents...

Fifth grade was rather uneventful, although thoughts still brewed in my mind and I was secretly envious of all the girls... but we don't need to go into that, as it is still rather uncomfortable for me to talk about.

(NOTE: What I meant was that I was jealous of all the other girls because their bodies were doing the right thing and I was stuck as a guy)

Sixth grade was a different story, I was picked on because I refused to resort to useless violence... I also had my entire choir class believe that I had pills that would change them into girls -- which were actually capsules that made your breath smell good when you burped >=) I was still a wuss, however, because I was known as a boy who wouldn't fight back, so I ended up getting slapped and tripped and beat up. You guys made a great choice to pull me out of school, which went quite well.

Seventh grade was an interesting turning point. I learned what oral sex was, how to "masquerade" (which is what I thought the word for masturbate was at first) and that every guy needed to have a crush on someone in their grade. I didn't have any crush, so I chose Caitlin as my crush (NOTE: a girl at school from Canada) -- much to her displeasure. On the other hand, I found the amazing world of the Secret Sonic Community at this point and made my first posts on a message board as a girl by the name of Samantha Clarfet. I was quickly kicked off the message board for needless stupidity. To this day Samantha Clarfet is considered the first "newbie" to post in a Sonic Secrets Message Board -- and to this day Samantha Clarfet is still officially a girl.

Eighth grade I decided to go for a new strategy. I could no longer be myself. I had to act like all the "other" boys. I began to observe their behaviour and tried to act like them by listening to craptacular music by Sytem of a Down, Korn and Limp Bizkit, whacking off twice a day and generally acting like a complete moron -- which I did very unsuccessfully. All that it got me was an incredible fake feeling and a psychiatric evaluation. After December 5th, I was homeschooled the rest of the year.

Ninth grade I decided I would act like a normal boy again from what I learned the year before: just without the large amounts of stupidity. I managed to blend in to a degree and made friends with John, Tristan and Caleb as well as Shawn Meier. I still got teased, though, and there were still minor problems to work out, although I managed to associate enough with other guys to understand how they acted.

Tenth grade I knew how guys acted and had lied enough to various people to put on a fairly convincing facade. I made friends with Byron, Jon Aguero, Cameron and the "geek table", although my obsession with the SSRG and trying to keep a convincing facade all the time were beginning to hurt my grades, something that depressed me. Eleventh grade saw me dividing time with my new friend, Steven Adams, and the geek table.

(NOTE: I'm actually living with him now and he doesn't know about this yet... wish me luck! o.o;;)

Cameron was still a trustworthy friend and I did a lot with Jon Aguero. My grades slipped even more as I got depressed over the fact that my friends were graduating, that Beth, the only person that truly understood me, would be gone and that I felt that there was something that I was hiding... something that I didn't seem to realize I had purposefully tried to hide after seventh grade. I reacted to this subconsciously by bringing back Samantha Clarfet online and posting as a girl occasionally.

Twelfth grade was chaos. With the family's degradation,

(NOTE: my family was getting chaotic and my parents were talking about getting divorced)

my consistent poor grades and a hidden past, I began to lose it. I often lost sight of what was real and what wasn't thanks to my brief obsession with Final Fantasy VII... which is when you guys decided to have me see a counselor, which I'm thankful turned out to be Carol. I got on pills and my mood improved ever so slightly over time, although I began to be attacked by "demons", a self-manefestation of the feminine side of me that I had tried to deny for the past several years. I wrote off what my mind was telling me as demons and had them cast away, although they continuously came back. In Februrary, Samantha became a nicer person and eventually became Julia, my alter ego / split personality. When she was around, I was dormant and when I was around she was dormant. We didn't remember what the other person did by literally wiping our mind when we left subconsciously. This is known in therapy as part of Gender Identity Dysphoria or GID, the only real form of split personality disorder that exists and is purely a creation by transsexuals where two consciousnesses exist: one who they really are (which is the wrong gender for their body, or in my case, Julia) and the other that is a facade (which is the correct gender for their sex, or in my case who I was the rest of the time). I told Carol about this and she didn't really understand what it could be, Discociative Identity Disorder (Split Personality Disorder), had only one plausible cause... and what I was describing had things that seemed amiss since I was lying on purpose to Carol and myself. She asked if I was straight, and issue that had never come up and was out of the blue. I immediately said that I was straight, thinking that because I liked girls and hated guys meant that there was no possible way for me to be any other sexuality. Julia hated when I responded like that, and a twang of pain or guilt went through my head like a shotgun -- a reaction that Carol undoubtedly noticed, but I'd have to ask her to find out. I eventually came across a show that talked about someone who was a hermaphrodite that had many complications and had to get on hormones and such. I noticed how it magically changed the person from a boy into a girl and thought it was amazing. It was something that I had always dreamed of doing, but always told myself that I was being delusional and evil for thinking such things. I brought this up with Carol, whom I'm sure had had suspicions, and she said that there were groups of people that did that that were called transsexuals. I thought I knew what transsexuals were.

(NOTE: Get ready. This is what television, Jerry Springer and extremist christianity will cause. Be afraid, be very afraid. ^^)

Trans people were freaks that dressed like women but actually weren't. They were weirdos that belonged on Jerry Springer. In my mind, they had to like the other sex, however and simply tried to be something they weren't to "increase their dating options". I didn't think much of it at all until I saw another show on television about a transsexual and was once again put into awe at how amazing it was. I was surprised to find out that they didn't necessarily seem to be like I thought, but the one I saw still liked the opposite sex, so I figured they simply weren't telling the whole story. I was really confused and I finally decided I would just go out and say how I felt to Carol. You know what I said?

After great reluctance, I said that I felt like I was trapped in my body. I felt like I was more of a girl, but I was in the body of a guy. I always had. I knew it sounded really stupid... especially seeing that I liked girls and disliked men, but I figured there was nothing to lose by me saying it. I asked if this is what transsexuality was and she seemed to think it was a possibility and told me to research it and figure things out for myself.

I decided that I would go for it and came across www.transsexual.org; a website that has already affected me more than I would have ever thought a website could. Reading it made me overjoyed, scared, happy, sad, enlightened, disturbed and so many other emotions it wasn't funny. I had literally found the answer to my problem. I found out what I was. Finally, I understood what had been "wrong" with me all those years.

My brain wasn't that of a guy's to begin with. I had been killing myself by living a lie most of my life. I'm sorry to say that I cannot continue to live a lie. I would rather die than continue to live with this ugly, male body -- testosterone running like poison through my veins. It's always felt like poison to me as well . I haven't felt "healthy" since I can remember. You know what else it's doing? It's making me lose my hair. MY HAIR.

I've had it. I like my hair, I hate my body, I hate being a guy and I can honestly say I am planning on changing it. I want to stop looking in the mirror and wanting to kill the reflection... that terrible reflection is why I started cutting myself. I want to kill the damned ugly mockery that's reflected in the mirror. I continuously stare into the mirror trying to see something different, but I NEVER DO. Do you know how it would feel if you were suddenly in the opposite sex's body?

You know inside that you aren't that sex, but everyone else thinks you are... indeed, they KNOW you are. It would be like living in Hell. Well that's how I've felt for a very long time... and I'm quite honestly tired of living in Hell. Do I think this will solve all my problems? No. I think it will simply get rid of some and bring a lot more -- but at least I'll be comfortable with myself as a person. You can't deal with the world until you've dealt with your own inner issues.

Just like in a movie, I have to overcome my own personal demons before I can confront anything or anyone else.

In conclusion, I included part of a FAQ that I found online that is somewhat informative. Some of it may be what you already know, but I suggest looking at it with an OPEN and UNDERSTANDING mind. Forgive me for stressing that, but it would be a waste of time to include this if you've already condemned me. Don't think I like this any more than you do... because this is especially hard for me. After all, I'm the weirdo that had to get cursed with this bullcrap.

(NOTE: I saw it as a curse at the time. While I still view it as a terrible thing to happen to such a nice girl as me, I can understand that it doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing. It is what I make it.)

Is there something wrong with being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender?

No. There have been people in all cultures and times throughout human history who have identified themselves as gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender (GLBT).

Homosexuality is not an illness or a disorder, a fact that is agreed upon by both the American Psychological Association and the American Psychiatric Association. Homosexuality was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) of the American Pyschiatric Association in 1974. Being transgender or gender variant is not a disorder either, although Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID) is still listed in the DSM of the American Pyschiatric Association. Being GLBT is as much a human variation as being left-handed - a person's sexual orientation and gender identity are just another piece of who they are. There is nothing wrong with being GLBT - in fact, there's a lot to celebrate. What is wrong are discriminatory laws, policies and attitudes that persist in our schools, workplaces, places of worship and larger communities.

What is sexual orientation?

A person's sexual orientation is defined by their enduring emotional, romantic, sexual or affectional attraction to other people. Heterosexual (or straight) refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for people of the opposite sex. Homosexual (or gay and lesbian) refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are primarily for those of the same sex. The term lesbian refers to women who are homosexual. Bisexual (or bi) refers to people whose sexual and romantic feelings are for people of both sexes. Other terms that people use to describe their sexual orientation are "queer" and "questioning."

What is gender identity and expression?

A person's gender identity is their internal sense of being male or female. Gender expression is how somone presents their gender to the world. We all have a gender identity, and we all have ways of expressing it. Our society has a narrow view of what it means to be a woman or a man, and we learn that from an early age. Those who are visibly gender-variant face increased risk of harassment in school, unemployment, homelessness, hate violence, lack of access to health care and loss of custody of their children. But many create supportive communities where they can be who they are.

What does Transgender mean?

A transgendered person is someone whose gender identity or expression differs from conventional expectations for their physical sex. The term transgender is used to describe several distinct but related groups of people who use a variety of other terms to self-identify. Transgendered people can include transsexuals (not all transsexual people need or want sex reassignment surgery) (( NOTE: sex reassignment surgery is simply getting rid of the sexual organs. Most simply take hormones and dress the part. )), masculine women, feminine men, cross-dressers, gender queers, two-spirit, butches, transmen, transwomen, etc. Like other people, transgender people can be straight, gay, lesbian or bisexual.

Who are intersexed people?

Intersexed people are individuals born with anatomy or physiology, which differs from cultural and/or medical ideals of male and female. The medical term "hermaphrodite" has been commonly used, but is not accepted by many intersex people. It is standard medical practice to assign a sex at birth to individuals born with intersex/atypical anatomy or physiology and to perform surgeries beginning in infancy and often continuing into adolescence, before a child is able to give informed consent. The Intersex Society of North America has labeled this practice genital mutilation and opposes surgery on infants and chidren.

Can gay people change their sexual orientation or gender identity? There are religious and secular organizations which sponsor campaigns and studies touting that GLBT people can change their sexual orientation or gender identity. Their assertions assume that there is something wrong with being GLBT - the largest problem is, in fact, society's intolerance of difference.

Many of the studies and campaigns are based on ideological bias rather than solid science. Claims of conversion from gay to straight tend to be poorly documented, full of flawed research with a lack of follow-up. No studies show proven long-term changes in gay or transgender people, and many reported changes are based solely on behavior and not a person's actual self-identity. The American Psychological Association has stated that scientific evidence does not show that conversion therapy works and that it can do more harm than good.

How does someone know they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered?

Some people say that they have "felt different" or knew they were attracted to people of the same sex from the time they were very young. Some transgender people talk about feeling from an early age that their gender identity did not match parental and social expecations. Others do not figure out their sexual orientation or gender identity until they are adolescents or adults. Often it can take a while for people to put a label to their feelings, or people's feelings may change over time. Understanding our sexuality and gender can be a life-long process, and people shouldn't worry about labeling themselves right away. However, with positive images of gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people more readily available, it is becoming easier for people to identify their feelings and come out at earlier ages. People don't have to be sexually active to know their sexual orientation - feelings and emotions are as much a part of one's identity. The short answer is that you'll know when you know.

Why do people "come out"?

Coming out is a way for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people to live their lives openly and honestly. Hiding one's sexual orientation or gender identity can be very stressful, lonely and isolation. Coming out is an affirming way for GLBT people to connect with others in vibrant and diverse GLBT communities. GLBT people come out because staying "in the closet" keeps the important people in their lives from knowing about a big part of their identity. Coming out can be a difficult decision, because many GLBT people fear rejection from their families, friends, employers and religious institutions. It is important to turn to supportive people for advice, and to have a plan if a person has reason to fear how their parents, employers, classmates or teachers will respond to them coming out.

For many, the stress of keeping a secret from the people they are close to ultimately outweighs the fear of losing acceptance and love. Coming out is an important decision that people should be able to make on their own terms - when they want to, to whom they want to.

How do I come out to my family and friends?

There are many questions to consider before coming out. Are you comfortable with your sexuality and gender identity/expression? Do you have support? Can you be patient? What kind of views do your friends and family have about homosexuality and gender variance? Are you financially dependent on your family? Make sure you have thought your decision through, have a plan and supportive people you can turn to.

And be prepared for the stages that your family or loved ones may go through upon learning you are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender. Coming out can cause shock, denial, guilt and grief. Your loved ones will need time to adjust to your news, the same way you may have needed time to come to terms with yourself. However, true acceptance is possible, especially with education and support.

What do I do if someone comes out to me? How can I support my GLBT loved one?

Learning that a loved one is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgendered can be a difficult discovery. It can send you on an emotional roller coaster ride. You may feel like you have lost a loved one. Remember that this person is the same one that you loved before they came out to you - they have just shared another part of themselves with you. Feelings of grief, guilt and denial are natural given some of our society's attitudes towards homosexuality and gender variance. However, you owe it to your loved one -and yourself- to move towards acceptance and understanding. Whatever your reaction, reassure your loved one that they still have your love.

Well there we go. I don't know if you bothered reading all of this... or any of it. I just felt that it was needed to inform you what was going on and how I feel. I want to make sure that you know that this is how I am. I did not CHOOSE to be this way, nor did I want to. I'm like any other person with a birth defect. If I have the chance to fix what went wrong I'd do it. I can't stand to go through my life pretending to be something I'm not; and I won't. I understand that you may never want to see or speak with me again after this and that's your choice. I just want to make sure you're informed of what's happening before I start doing something that you guys don't understand. Regardless of what you guys think, I'll always love you and I want you to know that. I'm still the same loving, smart allecy kid you gave birth to -- I just finally know what's wrong with me.

"Mother, looking at me... tell me, what do you see? Have I lost my mind? Daddy, looking at me... will I ever be free? Have I crossed the line?" - "All the Things she Said" by T.A.T.U.

I'll love you forever I'll love you for always as long as I love you my parents you'll be,

Julia

Submitted by Julia (8/9/2004)

Note: This page was archived and merged from TSSupport.org.

Categories: ComingOut Letters TSSupport