Dear Mom and Dad,

Throughout my life, I have struggled through various things, from school, to theatre, to soccer, to the school newspaper. Throughout all of this, you have always been behind me, cheering me on, applauding, and otherwise supporting me even if my performance did not merit praise.

I would like you to read this letter in its entirety and take its contents seriously. When you finish reading, I would like you to read through some of the informational sources contained at the end of this letter. I would then like you to respond, by phone, email, or snail mail, whichever format you are most comfortable with, when you are comfortable doing so.

It has been clear to you, and myself as well, for quite some time, that it has been difficult for me to operate normally in society. We saw several counselors together throughout this time. I took Zoloft for a while, but I never felt that it was helpful at all. Zoloft was, indeed, of no help for the intense inner turmoil from which I was suffering, even if it made it seem like I was feeling better while I was taking it. I have since come up with a plausible explanation for the psychological problems I faced, which could be confirmed true through analysis of my life thus far: I am a girl.

I assure you that no one, not you, me, or anyone else, is at fault for this development. All credible medical evidence indicates that gender dysphoria (as it is so called) is a form of birth defect caused by the malformation of the brain during fetal development.

This is also not a new development. I knew, probably as early as nine or ten years old, that I was a girl. That I felt like a girl, acted like a girl, wanted to be a girl. From that point forward, and to this day, every star, birthday candle, wishbone, et cetera that I wished on was the same: 'I wish to be a girl.' I cried myself to sleep many nights, praying zealously to every deity I had ever heard of (and I even made up a few, too) that maybe that wish would be fulfilled. I still cry myself to sleep over this often, although I've abandoned the praying.

It was in my freshman year of high school that I first learned what I was feeling was. I knew it inside, but until then I didn't know if there were words for it, or if I was all alone, some kind of freak. By random chance, I stumbled on the website of Miss Jennifer Reitz (the URL is at the end of the letter). What I learned from reading the contents of her website was that I wasn't some kind of freak. I wasn't some perverted demi-human oddity to be gawked at in a sideshow. I was a completely normal, if a little eccentric, teenage girl, who happened to have male genitalia, which is exactly what I knew I was. But the lexicon of these things is what became the most significant and worthwhile to me. I learned what 'gender dysphoria' is, what causes it, and how it pertains to me.

Nonetheless, despite all of the therapists that we saw, I never mentioned it to anyone. I was so horribly afraid of what you might think if you found out that I didn't want to talk about it. I knew it, quite well, but I didn't let it slip through the cracks. I thought you would be mad at me, as if it was my fault, even though I simultaneously knew that this is an inborn thing.

In my sophmore year of high school, two wonderful, beautiful people came into my life. Martine Bartholemy and Stephanie Williams. They're still two of my closest friends. I met them that year, but it wasn't until the following year that I actually got to know them well. Meanwhile, my 'gender dysphoria' continued to fester, its frequency of flaring up to cause me internal pain increasing ever rapidly.

In my junior year of high school, I certainly became more involved in things. I was in two shows that year, Madrigal, in the anime club and exchange club (to the point of which we almost hosted Mikiko), and most of my current friends were made that year. Stephanie, Martine, Rose Crowell, Natasha Soans, Matthew Barnosky, Tiffany, Christopher S., Jason, Harry, Liam, Dennis, Kristin, Dr. Reither, and Mrs. Marx all came into my life strongly that year. I love them all to death and would do anything for them. But, of course, having friends isn't going to make something like having the wrong genitalia go away.

In my senior year of high school, the pressure of the dysphoria continued to mount. I received no relief or reprieve from it. I met Alyse and Mallory by random chance that year, and they're now two of the best friends that I have. I was still involved in all of the activities that I was in the previous year. Two shows, Madrigal, anime and exchange club (Sergio!). I tried the dance class as an outlet for my pent-up emotions, and while it helped slightly, it didn't alleviate how I felt or make it go away. (Side note: I've been informed by Rose that there are three boys in Dance Class this year: Tim Burns, Darius Eslami, and one other whos name escapes me at this time.) I very much enjoyed dance, and am considering looking into joining RIT's dance team next quarter.

Nonetheless, it continued to get worse. I didn't know who I could turn to. I hadn't 'come out' to anyone at that point, and it was very hard for me to actually do so. It was on Kairos, during an event where the members of the group share their secrets, that I finally decided to end the deception and deal with the issue. Martine, being a member of my Kairos group, was the first and certainly not the last friend that I would come out to.

Returning from Kairos, I began much soul searching. Now that I was not alone, that there were people that understood how I felt, I could begin to consider actually transitioning from male to female. I considered my options. I knew that I was never going to be happy or fulfilled if I didn't transition, but at the same time the seeming impossibility of actually successfully transitioning daunted me. The time, the cost, the taxes on my emotions. I would have to pay a huge price and make huge sacrifices to accomplish the task. It was over this past summer that I decided I was willing to make those sacrifices and pay that price.

I have chosen the name 'Kari', meaning 'pure of heart', and I would like to see an endocrinologist in the near future in order to consider hormone treatment. I do love you very much, and telling you of these things has been incredibly difficult for me. This letter has gone through countless revisions, been started again from scratch more than once, and overall taken a huge amount of time to compile. But I am that much more relieved that I can tell you of these things and the course of action that I wish to pursue to solve the errs of the way I have lived my life.

With love, Kari Marie Hazzard

P.S.

Here are a few informational resources which I have found online. Please read and consider their contents.

   Transsexual.org
   By Jennifer Diane Reitz
   http://www.transsexual.org/

   Lynn Conway's Homepage
   by Lynn Conway
   http://www.lynnconway.com

   From Within
   by Victoria
   http://www.thegirlinside.me.uk/

   Michael's Hompeage
   by Michael
   http://ftmichael.tashari.org/

   True Selves
   by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley
   Availible at Amazon.com for $12.57

   Just Evelyn
   by Just Evelyn
   Out of Print, availible online at http://www.justevelyn.com/ 

Note: This page was archived and merged from TSSupport.org.

Categories: ComingOut Letters TSSupport