Submitted by Li (10/6/2004)

I never had a really long relationship; it usually ended in one or two month. But in almost the last one and half years I haven't dated at all, I was too confused, and occupied with my problems. One can deceive her self and ignore it. But I am going to a therapist twice a month, and I learned with my self that this is important to me.

So about two month ago I have decided to start dating again. It turned out much more complicated than I have thought…

You must know that I am 29 MTF, on hormones almost two month. And I still do not pass, and I really hope I will soon. Not having a lot of experience with long relationships I am open, and exploring.

After thinking about the matter I decided that, straight man is off, since I still do not pass. Straight woman has a moral dilemma, if I'll date straight woman I'll feel like lying, so I turned it down too. Lesbian is off too, since I still do not pass as a woman.

So I was left with Gay, as I said I am open and exploring and as a woman I can imagine myself with a man, so I started my journey (if it can be called a journey, only two dates).

On the first date everything was how to say dry, the guy was nice, but I could not make my self to like him. So the date ended and everyone went to his/her way.

The second date was less conventional, the guy seemed really to like me, and told me so. He also started touching me, really gently, and I liked it. But all the time I was trying to imagine my self wearing woman cloth. I must say that I liked the gay, but I understood that I can not play the Gay game.

So at the end I was left with nothing, during my transition I can not date anyone.

About one week later I moved to TelAviv?, and I know few (male) friends from the collage that also in TelAviv?. One of my friends called me Friday night, and invited me to go out to Dance. BTW my friend does not know that I am TS, and he has a girlfriend. I gladly went out.

About one hour at the place, nice girl bumped into me and asked for my phone, I was puzzled for a second, since I was not expecting that. But I gave her my phone and got hers. At the end of the evening I completely forgot about this.

The next day SHE CALLED ME, I was once more amazed, she asked me out, and I said yes. GOD only knows why. In my way to the date that evening I began to feel nervous, and my brains kept telling me “YOU ARE LYING TO HER", “YOU ARE LYING TO HER". Well I took Lisa Simpson maneuver and I told to my brains “SHUT UP BRAINS, I DO NOT NEED YOU".

In the first date I was a bit nervous, but she was so open, and happy, so I was influenced by her spirit. I began really to like her after the first date. During the week we had two more dates, since we both living in TelAviv?.

After one week knowing her I began to feel in love, but it turned to a disaster.

Back to my TS issue, the next week I had an appointment with cosmetician, to fix my ugly eyebrows. I gave little thought for this, and after my eyebrows being fixed I was more or less happy with the results. I felt really natural with this, so I didn't thought about it the rest of the day (or most of the day).

The same day evening I had planes, a date with the girl I was beginning to love, and nothing could prepare me for that evening. We planed to meet 9:00 PM, and we meet at the street, then we went to a nearby nice caf? (That I used to like). We took our sits, and then I noticed her, glancing at me, and glancing, and glancing. I began to feel really bad. Then she turn red, and said “I had no idea you are that way", and I am asking “What way?" Then she said “Your eyebrows, what happened to your eyebrows?"

Then it was my turn to turn red, and I could not find the words. My brains regained its confidence again and told me “I have told you", and unfortunately now I could not tell it to shut up.

It took me a while to decide what to say, I decided to try damage control, to smooth things now and to confess that I am TS later (maybe on the phone). So I told her “I like to do woman things sometimes". Unfortunately it didn't work; she said “I am sorry but it would not work between us". Then she got up and said bye :-( :-( :-(

The worst thing about it is that I blame my self for lying to her. On my way home I decided to give-up dating till I'll pass as a woman.

Now I am feeling blue and depressed, And full of hopes to pass as a woman really soon.

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