Dear Mom,

I feel everyday that I’m living a lie in this body. It is painful for me to go to work and live this way.

I know you think that I’m making a big mistake with what I’m doing here, but deep down I know it’s the right thing. I will put more examples in later paragraphs. Every birthday candle I would blow out I would wish to become a female and I ask God every night to change me into one. I have felt this way since young age, except I can’t remember much before the age of 13. I do remember not liking baseball or soccer and now I understand why. You can not talk me out of this, I know it’s soooooo right. When I go out with Mike and his friends, I try to act male but deep down I feel very out of place. I HATE BEING A MAN!!!

When I was living with dad or even here, I would go into the chat rooms Magick and Satan and ask all the time if there was a way to be magically changed into a female. They told me the only way was surgery and hormones which at the time scared me away and I buried it deep down inside of myself. I feel that now is the time, I’ve waited long enough. I always say to myself how different my life would have been if I had done this sooner. I think back to the past and ask myself, would Scott have raped me, would I have done the credit card fraud, would I have had a hard time in high school because I didn’t fit in with the guys? I know that is the past and that can’t be changed. I want to do this as fast as possible except I shouldn’t because it’s a learning process, learning about myself.

I know that I’ve always been depressed all my life and I now know the cause of it: I should of been born as a female. The antidepressants were just a patchwork medicine. During my therapy sessions they would ask me what would make me happy and all the time in my head I would say that to be female, except I just came with my normal answer of I don’t know or how I would say to become more talkative. I’ve had this feeling for so long and it’s been eating me up inside. I stopped biting my nails the day I realized all of this, think I bit them due to anxiety and didn’t know it. I felt so happy that day.

I play a lot of my online games but that is because I play as a female character and I can be myself, and I’m happier, maybe that is why I snap at you. I always play the role of a female and I enjoy it. I spoke to some of them that I played the game with a lot and they thought I was female, or an effeminate male even after knowing I’m male. I always pretend I’m female while playing any online game, but in reality I’m not pretending just letting my real self come out.

Have you ever noticed that I cope much better speaking to females instead of males? I know you always say I’m not shy around people when I go with you when you DJ. Except thinking back it was mostly the females, you said it was both.

In High School I was always picked on and called gay and other names. It was a living hell for me. Most of my school fiends were female since I related to them better. At lunch time I sat with other people who weren’t he normal high school stereotype, I fit in with them. I felt so much more comfortable sitting there then with the jocks or whoever I sat with.

I’m sorry for cramming that information down your throat but it is extremely important to me that you understand what I will be and am going through. I will also need your support and training. I really care for you. I’m sorry about the way I speak to you. I think it might be because of this why I’m that way towards you. I hate being called a nice guy and such. I AM NOT A GUY! It hurts me a lot when you call it the “girl shit” and all the other words you use to describe it. I was hoping you would be happy I figured out something so important.

When I go over to Dad's and Susan's I help cook and I really enjoy that. The other night I made cookies on my own and I felt so proud of myself for doing it and actually enjoyed it. I don’t want to ask Susan for woman advice, but will if you won’t help with things like makeup advice, clothing etc. I really want to get started on a lot of these, especially electrolysis except I don’t have the money for it. It’s ok if you don’t support me, ill get along fine if you wont, it will make it easier if you do.

I know it will be hard for you also and I’m sorry for that but this is who I really am. Everyday I hate living as a male and want to be my true self which is as a female. I can’t tell my colleagues at work even though I’m sure many of them can figure it out, since they are from Morocco and treat women different, and they just won’t understand why I would want to do this.

My therapy appointments are going great and I actually look forward to going. He noticed my Gender Identity Disorder right away. The other day going to the specialised bookstore helped me a lot, emotionally also. That day was one of the best days I had in a long time and I actually felt happy about the whole day.

I have been taking hormones for almost 3 months now, and on them I’m a lot happier and much calmer. Fellow workers at work notice this and ask me what I did. I can’t tell them anything. There is nothing you can do to make me change my mind. I just wish you would trust me. I can’t change who I am, I have tried masking how I really feel and failed miserably. I’m 100% sure that I am doing the right thing and you can’t talk me out of it in any way shape or form. I love you too much, that is why I’m writing this letter to you.

I love you very, very much. Megan Elizabeth Lastname

PS: Told you that this is the name I picked out for myself

Contributed by Megan (10/17/2005)

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Categories: ComingOut Letters TSSupport