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My Story

This Is A Story About How I Came To Be As I Am.

March 1998

What Am I?

I am a transsexual, male-to-female. What this means is that I have the body of a male, and yet I have the internal psychological identity of a woman. Some people use the phrase "a woman trapped in a man's body", but that is not exactly how it fits for me.

I have lived forty-plus years with an anatomy that tells me I am a man. I know I'm a man, that part isn't in dispute. I am dreadfully, painfully aware that I have a penis and testes, that I have been potent enough to father two wonderful children, and I have the voice, build and demeanor of a man.

The difficult part is that I have always wanted to be, or thought I should be, a woman. From earliest childhood, I can recall wishing my penis would disappear and I would turn into a girl. It wasn't until I was in the seventh grade, I think, before I knew that there was a label to my feelings, or at least a label for what some people had done about it. I was sitting in my social studies class, we were having a group discussion. (You remember how we used to turn our desks into a big circle and have a whole discussion? It was one of those times.) I cannot remember the topic of conversation, but at some point, someone raised an objection about something strictly male or female, I forget which, and asked "What if they have a sex change operation?" I remember the class giggling, and some (like me) staring confusedly about. We talked for not more than 5 more minutes on the topic of changing sex, the teacher mentioning Christina Jorgensen, others talking about how strange and weird it was, and then we moved on. I remember only that moment of clarity, when I knew what my feelings were all about.

Prior to that point, I had been having the feelings about wishing I were a girl, absolutely hoping beyond hope that it would all resolve itself and I would, in fact, become a girl before long. Now I knew that wasn't going to happen. Instead, if I was going to be a girl, I was going to need to have an operation. I knew this wasn't going to fly with my parents, and so I just went on wishing.

My Parents

My Mom and Dad are truly wonderful, loving people. I had the impression from my early years up through adolescence, and in fact, up until a few years ago, that they were not really all that great. The pain I felt was pain that I didn't think I could share with them. I had several bad experiences as a child with facing their upset and anger, and I knew this would push them over the edge. Well, it turns out that that probably wouldn't have happened. I used to see my parents as somewhat weak people, not really able to get what they wanted and needed out of life. I now know that to be false. They love me, have always loved me, and would have done anything they could do to help. I know that now, because they are so supportive of me in this transition.

I used to be afraid of causing any problems in our family. I saw there were some very rough and rocky times, and I, being a small, sensitive child, took responsibility upon myself for making things all better. So, in addition to having unexplainable feelings of being the wrong sex, I also had piled on feelings of inadequacy because I couldn't keep things moving along smoothly.

The Very First Time I Knew

My very first memory of the gender identity confusion is at about age 3. I recall seeing my little sister naked, just out of the bath, and marveling that she had no "thing" between her legs. I think I asked my Mom about it, but I recall that moment the yearning to be like that. Why? Why and how could a three year old understand this, or even think this? To my way of thinking, that memory is one of the really telltale signs of transsexualism. How else could such a yearning come to someone so young? It wasn't merely a fascination with the difference, it was a desire to be that way.

Another memory, also at a very young age, 4 I think, was watching our next door neighbor putting a circular hole in the siding of their house to run a dryer vent through. He punched several small holes in a circle, gradually closing in the gaps between the holes, until he could simply punch out the disc. I thought this was really ingenious, and later that day I remember thinking about how I could do that to take off my penis and see what I had underneath. I thought about getting a bunch of pins and punching holes in the skin around my penis and scrotum, and twisting them off, and hoping that I wouldl then be a girl. I actually stuck a pin in about twice, and found out it hurt, a lot!, so I gave up.

The Recurring Saga

My desire to be a woman has stayed with me, all through my life. I have had spans of time where it has not consumed me, but for the most part, it has been a constant pressure and drag upon my soul. There was so much I wanted to do, to participate in, but I wouldn't permit myself to do anything fun, since that would be having fun as a man, and I didn't want to be a man. Sad, but true: we build our own grave trying to keep ourselves safe from harm. There were periods of time where the desire and pain of not having it were so great, I cried many nights, wishing I could just rip it off and be done with it. I made deals alternatively with God and with the Devil: "If I promise to [not] jerk off every night for a year, will you make me into a girl??" Neither could help me, however, and my own inability to stick to those promises. I masturbated like crazy for many, many years, trying to get some relief, and never having any. I would read an article every once in a while that would send me into fits and bouts of wishing, wanting to be a girl, to feel brave enough, have enough resources to see what the other people were doing.

I think I have had really serious gender identity confusion about half a dozen times, where it becomes a complete obsession. The rest of the time, it is more of an undercurrent, never gone, but quite manageable.

The Magic Interlude: Marriage, A Family, Children

I had it all: I had reached the American Dream. Wonderful, gorgeous wife, two beautiful girls, a good sized house in Silicon Valley, a great job with responsibility and rewards, semi-active social life, avenues of artistic and aesthetic expression, and a whole lot of nice going for me. I married my wife because I loved her and also because I saw a great potential in our union. I have always loved her, deep down, and probably always will. However, the major regret I have in how I have lived my life is that I never told her until it was all over between us what my true feelings were. I believe that if she had known while we still loved and cared for each other deeply and fully, then I could have gotten some personal help sooner rather than later. Also, it would have meant that we would probably be living together now rather than apart, separated by divorce, emotions and gender.

But, I think I made the best choice I could at the time, given my circumstances, and given the information at hand and my experience up to that point. Subsequent decisions: to have children, to change work roles, and so on, are also the best decisions I could have made.

If I look back, and think of when I probably made a bad decision, it was most probably in not being honest and authentic with my ex.

I wouldn't trade it though, as that would mean I'd have to invalidate my two wonderful girls, and their entire existance. Believe you me, the world is a much better place for having them in it, and that goes beyond a father's personal bias. These are smart, agile, courageous and funny people, with a lot to bring into our existance.

And so, I cannot regret my choices that lead up this point, and I will not look backwards and wish I had told people sooner. I love my girls far too much to ever think of wishing them away.

What Does This Feel Like?

It is hard to imagine, I know, what gender identity dysphoria feels like. In the not-to-distant past, schools attempted to "correct" left-handers' behavior, by making them write with their right hand, and banishing the use of the left for anything useful. GID is sort of like that, I think; at least it is an analogy that is useful.

Imagine, for a moment you are the other hand from what you know yourself to be; a southpaw for those currently right-handed, a dexter for the lefties. Now, further imaging that you have been other handed all your life, everyone has told you so, you do all sorts of things with that hand, and the world fits your other hand quite well. And yet, you know, deep down you know, that you are not other handed, you are whatever handedness you feel you are. But of course, everything fits the other hand, and it is the hand you actually use. In spite of that, you feel you are wrong handed, and that it shouldn't be the way it is. Yet, when you look at it, when you see how the world reacts to you and it, when you find the other handesness useful, you wonder "am I crazy?" And still, you feel that you should be oppositely handed. And so it goes, throughout your life, never quite sure of who the real you is, since handedness is the most fundamental defining aspect of your self.

Okay, so we have learned to accomodate left-handers in a predominantly right-handed world. But that was just an analogy. We are still a society that does not understand transsexualism, or gender variations of other types. In western culture, especially U.S. culture, such a thing is anathema to many; a clear sign of evil in something that is not "normal". Imagine how it feels, then, compounding upon the confusion raging in one's body, to have society declare you a freak, a thing to be reviled, ridiculed and persecuted, all because you have this profound feeling that you cannot escape. For many, the only escape route is the saddest; suicide rate among transgendered youth is higher than any other category, and it remains high throughout our lifetimes. This is pain and suffering that is completely unnecessary, as it serves no useful purpose for the person suffering or for anyone around them. Permitting unnecessary suffering to persist, when we can do something about it, is what I find truly evil.

The Cure?

Transsexuality is a disorder of the mind -- the mind and body disagree. There is some evidence that there is a physical basis to the disorder, that male transsexual's brains resemble born female brains in some crucial and significant ways, but there is little proof of such cause. Regardless, the mind does not agree with the physical body; one says "girl" and the other replies "boy".

There is no known cure for transsexualism that can work to bring one's inner sense of gender identity into alignment with the outer sexual characteristics through psychotherapy, mental imagery, hypnosis, or other mental techniques. The only relief people suffering from GID have is to bring the body into alignment with the mind. In the late 20th century, we have many advanced techniques for doing so. But is this a cure? Some might say it is, but it is not a complete one, even so. The male transsexual can acquire the shape and looks of a female, but will not be just like a genetically born female; there will be no ability to concieve and carry a child, and the male-to-female transsexual will not menstruate. The closest approximation, physically, will be to a genetic woman, post-menopausal with a radical hysterectomy and ovarectomy.

But for many transsexuals, including, I believe, myself, this is enough. This change of shape is addequate to produce the feelings of congruence and integrity of mind, body and spirit. So, while it cannot be completely categorized as a cure, it is certainly theraputic, and the relief of unnecessary suffering is affected for most.

In addition, there are many transsexuals who do not complete the course of transformation through surgical gender reassignment, and live complete, happy, healthy lives. Some studies have shown that only 6 percent of those starting a transition from male to female go all the way through SRS.

So, Where Am I Now?

Currently, I am in the process called transition, which is the pathway from male to female in my case. The path has four main phases, or stages: Therapy, Hormone Replacement, Real-Life Test, and Surgery (plus recovery). I have moved through the first two phases, and am now planning to move into the third stage: Real Life Test. This involves living full-time as a woman, as the gender of my choice, rather than of my birth.

The transition plan offered here is really about this transition from part-time, at home, living to full-time, all over living as a woman, and specifically geared for my work place. I plan on a transition in place, which means that all my colleagues and major friends in client organizations will know. This will make it difficult to pass at first, and will most likely put a strain on some of the work relationships, especially those dealing with touchy clients. Still, I feel comfortable in doing the transition in this way, rather than going to some brand new place where no one know me. I have very good friends here, and I really, truly enjoy the work I do.

I have begun the "Real Live Test" stage: I began living full-time on June 1st, 1998.

Update (7/25/99 1:14:20 PM): on June 3, 1999, I had SRS after my one full year as living full-time. Yay!!

Update May 17, 2010: it's been a long time since I transitioned.

What Are My Future Plans?

I plan to continue on working in my capacity at COMPANY as long as my services are valued. I understand that there will be some adjustment periods, and this is certainly to be expected. and honoured. Eventually, things will return to the normal, everyday ways of doing our stuff, together or apart.

The requirement before surgery is live at least one full year in the gender of choice, full-time, without compromising ones ability to make a living and function in the world. I expect this year to be one full of excitement and adventure, fun and tears. I do not yet know how long it will be before I have surgery, and there is always the possibility that I may decide not to, or that I'm not ready yet. Beyond that morphological change, though, I plan to live a full and happy life as a woman, middle-aged, but still full of life and with her best years ahead of her. I plan to have intimate relationships, affairs, hopefully a significant other to live with and share with, and I plan to stay heavily involved with my children. (Yes, I do have children. I don't talk about them much here because I wish to respect their privacy.)

Why Am I Doing This?

As I said above in "The cure?", the course of action left open to most transsexuals that is healthy and ecological is transition; to change the body to fit the mind. In all the work that has been done over the decades, there has not been a single instance where a transsexual has been cured of gender dysphoria. It waxes and wanes, surely, but never, ever goes completely away.

Basically, the reason I am doing this is because I am choosing to live. The alternative for me would be either physical suicide, or a complete mental shutdown and blockaide of any feelings and emotions, a virtual suicide. I was headed in this direction in the past 5 to 6 years of my life up until March 1997, when I finally decided that I had lived this lie long enough, it wasn't going away, it was ruining my life, my marriage, my relationship with my kids, my parents, everyone around me, with the one exception being work, where I could safely hide my feelings away since nobody really wants to deal with them in the professional world anyway.

I am a transsexual, of that I have no doubt. Simply put, I have always wanted to be female, a girl, a woman. It is not a sudden whim, nor a means of tittilation. I don't want to do it because I can get great sex; I am doing this because it is the one way I know how to continue to live, to learn to be fully alive and expressive and to be open to love.

Categories: Transition, Stories