Questions Millie Gave Me To Think About Prior To Surgery

written: 3/28/99 8:45PM

What do I want from my new genitalia? What do I want to have regarding my new vagina?

(The question itself was strange to me; I hadn't actually given it any thought.)

Two follow-up hypothetical situations to try on and see how I would feel:

• Pretend my new vagina was very short, only 2-2.5 inches, and unable to accommodate a normal sized penis without a great deal of pain.
• Pretend I had absolutely no feeling in the area; none whatsoever. All it felt like was like rubbing on a piece of wood. How would I feel about that? Would I feel that I had made a mistake in having SRS?

Would I Still Have Chosen Surgery Knowing That Would Be The Outcome?

The answer that comes to me quickly: YES! Unequivocally. Even if the operation were just to remove my existing genitals and move urethra, I would be so much more happy with myself.

If I Ended Up With A Short Vagina, One That Precluded P/V Intercourse, How Would I Feel?

Harder to say, but I wouldn't say it was the wrong choice to make. It would still be possible to be intimate with a man, just not in that complete P/V intercourse way. Since I would have no ability to conceive anyway, it doesn't seem to make all that much difference.

If I was with a guy and it mattered a lot to them to be able to penetrate my vagina with the full length of their penis, well, that would depend on how deeply I felt about him, how painful it actually was, and whether or not he would compromise.

Even with a short vagina, I would still be able to accommodate an entire penis in other places: hand, mouth, anus, etc.

So, I think I can rationally say I would find other ways to be satisfied sexually, to be able to cope with it, but would I feel bad about it?

Sure I would. I might even be pissed off about it. If Schrang couldn't or wouldn't do a good job, I'd be pissed at him. If it was my fault, because I didn't dilate enough, then I would really be pissed, only at me.

I still believe, though, that I wouldn't regret my decision to have the surgery. An innie of any sort is much, much preferable to an outie of any sort, to me, on my body.

But is there anything deeper than that belief? What do I really feel?

Maybe its just that sex isn't all that important to me right now. I feel like a non-sexual person -- even the thought of having sex with someone feels strange and far away.

The sorts of relationships I would fantasize about before were all sexual in nature. That is most likely because I would have them when engaged in sex or masturbation. When I think about a relationship -- the non-sexual part-- I think of having fun, laughing, crying, helping each other. I think of touch, closeness, being enveloped in my lover's arms, snuggling down deep into them.

The question of depth seems to really be limited to P/V penetrating intercourse. Given that, it just doesn't seem like such a big deal if it (my vagina) is short. I don't know or feel that it would be such a big deal even if it's deep, and can accommodate the largest cock on the planet. It just seems irrelevant.

Okay, So What If I Had The Depth, But There Was No Feeling?

This, I think, would be a lot more painful to deal with and hard to take. if I had partial feeling, it wouldn't be that big a deal, but NO feeling at all?

I think that would make me feel strange-- almost damaged in some way, that I wouldn't be whole & complete.

I think it would also be really disappointing for a lover-- if I couldn't feel anything would there be a point for him even to try? It would be more like one-sided sex, which I would certainly do for someone I loved, but it seems like it would be too hard to build and grow a relationship knowing how disappointing and difficult it would be for him the first time he found it so.

Even if I told everything up front, and he was still interested, I doubt he would be able to face it once a full realization of exactly what it would mean settles in. Once confronted with the fact that no matter what he did, he would not be able to give me pleasure in that way, and I would feel nothing at all, I think most guys would leave, since "pleasing a woman" is part of their ego-fulfillment (okay, not all guys, but a lot). Not being able to get me off would probably make them feel vulnerable and less virile.

A stereotype, to be sure, but not that devoid of truth.

To have that happen would hurt, a lot I feel. To be rejected in an intimate situation because of my lack of sensation, to be treated like damaged goods, a rotten piece of meat "Send this one back -- it's no good!" all because I don't have any feeling in my vagina and clitoris. Yeah, that one would bother me A LOT!

It might keep me from seeking relationships, especially intimate relationships with men.

Somehow, I don't think it would be as much of a problem for a lesbian. If I were to seek an intimate relationship with another woman, there are already many more ways open to give each other pleasure. Unfortunately, I don't find woman sexually that interesting right now. (Well, except for one. :) --^_^-- + <3_>----- )

I would venture to say the safest sort of relationship in this situation would be with another T, either FTM or MTF. At least there is a greater possibility of understanding and that they could get by it.

But, ultimately, the consequences of having no feeling down there would make me really, really sad. These are all down-side scenarios, though, so it might not come to pass. I may get lucky and find the best guy who is able to give me pleasure in many other ways, and allow me to give him pleasure in the way he'd like it, too.

I might find someone who is just content to love me as I am, with no expectations for a certain form and level of performance.

But would I fell like I made the wrong decision to have SRS? Would I feel it was a mistake to trade in a working set of genitals for a set that didn't work? (In this case work means: have sensation and able to give pleasure.)

No.

The idea of living as a woman with a penis is just too enormously incongruous to me. My body image includes NOT having a penis, testes and scrotum.

My sense of it is, that, after surgery, all the noise about being a man, etc., quiets down to next to nothing, sort of like the feeling when you're in a large room and they turn off the fans; the silence is so wonderful and you can just peacefully sink into it. It is easier to think at that point. I imagine this is what the feeling will be like.

Having no sensation might (will?) stir up other noises, but that might actually be welcome after 40 years of "MALE", "BE A MAN" "DON'T LET ANYONE FIND OUT YOUR FEELINGS" and so on.

The feeling is similar to ones I've had along the way of transition. Each step has been a slackening of that noise. Going full-time was a similar experience, as was declaring my gender and what I was going to do about it before that.

In all those times, there was a bunch of noise in my head that suddenly went away, more each time. As I move forward along this path, I am able become more and more clear on Who I Am, What I Want, and my purpose for being here.

I believe that surgery will provide one more of these moments, but certainly not the final one. I can imagine the first time I make love as a woman to a man and as a woman to a woman, will be two more. The exact nature of these moments and the internal feeling changes over time, just as they do in normally maturing adults.

The hard part of my journey really began around 10 years ago (more or less). I don't know or remember what the trigger event was, but that is the last time I really remember being happy, enjoying my relationships with the kids and my wife at the time.

BOING Gosh! Was it when I had my vasectomy?!? I think it was: C_ is going to be 10 this year, so it would be about right, as I had it the year after she was born. I do recall wishing he'd just slip and cut the whole bit off.... Hmmmm....

But now, the most difficult part seems over. Getting into therapy after wandering around lost for so long was the best thing I've ever done.

---

So, what I believe, I guess, at the end of the day, is that my choice for SRS is the best choice I can make for myself. It is right for me, it will further my acquiring inner and outer congruence and whole being alignment. It is NOT a mistake, even if the results will be less than hoped for.

I need to do this step for no one but myself. There is no one that really has any reason to know what the shape of my genitalia are, except intimate lovers, and that would be dealt with on an individual, case-by-case, need-to-know basis, by MY choice!

If I were to not have the surgery, what then? No one would be mad at me for opting out if it's my choice. If it's not my choice, still no one would be upset at me. Quite the contrary from the evidence I have seen.

So, there really is only me that I need to satisfy. What do I want from my new genitalia? I want to be able to pee straight, have it look nice to an intimate partner, have full feeling, able to achieve orgasm, and to have sufficient depth to take the average penis.

However, what's acceptable is much less: I need to be able to pee.

In contrast, if all I get is acceptable, it won't be as much of a defining characteristic of my life as having a penis has been! If I went in and simply had them remove all my genitalia and move my urethra, I would be satisfied.

I am a woman, I am able to live this way without any further body alterations if necessary. I want a vagina, but what I need is to have NO penis and testes!

This Begs The Question: What If I Am Disqualified For Surgery? What Would I Do Then?

In desperation, if I could find no other way, I would take care of it myself. Even understanding the danger and consequences of doing so, I would do that rather than live with them intact. There were plenty of times I have thought about and wanted to do so; I did not act upon them as I was not sure of who I was, and was very afraid of what others would think of me. Now, both of those are gone. I know who I am. I no longer need to define myself in terms of what other people think of me. I don't think there would be much to stop me if it came to that.

I hope this doesn't bode ill for my qualification as a surgical candidate!! It seems to me to be a very clear indication of how strong my feelings really are.

-- fin --

Categories: Surgery, Therapy