Dear family and friends:

This is the hardest thing I've every had to tell anyone, and short of death, it may also be the hardest for some of you to accept. I can't keep living a lie though, so I'm writing this in the hopes that everyone will be able to have an open mind. I don't know how else to say this, so I'll try to cut to the point. Physically, I'm male. Emotionally and mentally, I'm female. What does that mean? It means somewhere along the way before I was even born, something went wrong.

While gender is determined according to a genetic plan, there are hormonal processes which act to carry out that plan and form the male genitals. What most people never realize is that the same thing normally happens to the brain.

For some reason, the process didn't go exactly as planned. That leaves me with a brain that is predominantly female, and a body that at least looks male. Needless to say, this is an unimaginably painful situation to be in.

Trying to be someone I'm not just to fit the expectations of society takes a horrendous toll on me emotionally and physically, and has made me suicidal. For me, I have a choice. I can choose to live as who I really am, or I can choose not to live at all. Theres really no other option. I can't change who I am - this simply doesn't work that way, and virtually everybody in this situation that has tried to suppress who they really are has failed miserably.

You also have a choice, you can choose to accept me for who I really am and be with me through everything I have to go through. I realize that some of my family will not be able to accept this right away. Take however long you need to deal with this, I'll still be here when you are ready to face this with me.

What I have to do to become a whole, complete person again, is a very difficult process. The majority of people out there are accepting once they understand what's going on.

There will always be a small number that think I'm somehow doing a horrible thing. If they want to think that, so be it. I spent a long time fighting this because I was the same way. I thought that because of the handful of very vocal people out in the world against all this, that I was somehow some kind of a freak, and therefore, I hid my true self for a long, long time, not entrusting anyone to know the truth. Its that denial, that giant lie, that sense of shame that almost drove me to kill myself.

While the steps are pretty straightforward, the little problems that crop up are not. I've begun the process of psychotherapy, which will be an ongoing thing, as the psychological problems of being transgendered do not ever go away. Although the process of transition makes things easier, there are things I'll always need help with.

At some point, I'll begin taking hormones. This will cause a slow, gradual change in my body over a couple of years time. At some point in that process, when I feel confident enough in myself, I'll begin to live my life as a woman. After I've lived as a woman for at least a year, I'll begin to consider surgical treatments, which will complete the process and allow me to have my birth certificate reissued to show me as female. After this is all finished, I'll be a woman in all respects, mentally, emotionally, physically, and legally. In short, I'll finally be a complete person, instead of the empty shell of one that I am now.

I do have to ask that you let me tell other friends and family members on my own terms. This is very hard for me to explain, and very hard to deal with, and it becomes more difficult if people are told only part of the picture, or get the information in the form of rumors and gossip.

In my own time, I do intend to tell those who I'm closest to, but please understand that there are people that I feel are not ready to know about this, and that I'd rather risk losing touch with them than making them face something that they can't understand.

I understand all this this is going to be difficult, if you have questions about everything, I'll be glad to try to answer them privately. Thank you for your understanding,

Stephanie

Submitted by Triona (9/16/2004)

Note: This page was archived and merged from TSSupport.org.

Categories: ComingOut Letters TSSupport