TransitioningAtWork | LetterToWork

Draft 1 Of Letter To Co-Workers

written March 30, 1998

Dear Friends And Colleagues,

I am writing this to bring you up to date on where I am personally, and to make clear what my immediate future holds.

As you recall, most of you, I went through a separation and divorce last year, which has caused me to do a lot of internal work. The divorce process was as painless as one could hope, and my ex-wife and I remain partners in raising our two daughters.

Prior to that, I was in a severe clinical depression, although many of you have told me that you weren't able to tell that from my work. Let me assure you, it was real. I have been working with a wonderful therapist for the past two years, and am currently free of the worst effects.

Which brings me to the very difficult news that I must share with you all.

The difficulty in this news is that it deals with a topic that is beyond most people's experience, and what little most people know has been colored by media and religion. What for most people is such a bedrock, core given of their identity, is for me not so. What I speak of is medically called Gender Identity Disorder, but is commonly referred to as transsexualism. Most of you have probably heard of people who feel "they are a woman trapped in a man's body". While this is not quite true for me, it is close enough that it will suffice for the moment.

What Does This Mean, Exactly?

I write this letter to announce that I will be starting a significant stage of the transition from male to female: the "Real-Life Test". As you might guess, this is a period of time when I live full-time in the assumed gender role, and begin to be comfortable with the changes and adjustments that involves. I wish to announce my intention to begin living full-time as a woman on May 1st of this year. At that time, I will be coming to work in my new identity, NEW FULL NAME. At that time, I will appreciate all efforts you can make to accommodate me, including using my new name, and referring to me as a woman, and to accept gracious correction graciously, as I will graciously accommodate the expected slips and adjustments.

I am not pursuing this on a whim, but after much careful consideration with two therapists and the counsel of other people who have made this same type of transition. The alternatives to pursuing this are clear, to me, at least: depression, leading to actual or virtual suicide. The pain of living as I was, a born male, but with the identity of self as a woman, and the consequent incongruities that brings about, are too great. Once I woke up to myself, I could not go back to sleep.

I know this is going to be difficult for some of you. Some may not think so now, but when confronted with it, you may feel differently. For others, it might be just a cakewalk. It is hard to say up front what anyone's reaction is going to be. I wish to assure you all that I do respect your true feelings, as you respect and honor mine.

What About Family?

Some of you will of course be concerned for my girls. Rest assured, they have been told and we have handled it all above board with them. The biggest danger to telling kids about this sort of situation is to tell them and then tell them that they must keep it a secret. We have let them know that this is another flavor of normal human experience, and that they shouldn't be ashamed of anyone knowing. Their teachers and aides in their classrooms all know, and are up on the issues, as is their principal and several of the girl's friends' parents.

We are lucky to have the girls enrolled in a school that has as one of its basic tenants that ones feelings are valid, and need to be honored. This makes for good discussion about issues between kids in the classrooms, and a blanket of respect for all people's feelings. My kids are in great shape; we have taken them to a therapist who is wonderfully supportive of them, and they are doing well enough that she is not concerned about seeing them regularly, unless they want to.

EX-SPOUSE is also wonderfully supportive of me, and is very clear that she wants me to be happy and whole. She has moved on from our marriage and is in a close relationship with someone else. I am very happy for the both of them, too.

For other family directions, I have gotten great support from my parents and siblings since the beginning, mostly, with only a few incidents of misunderstanding and crossed lines. It has been rather interesting and gratifying to find that I have gotten so much support from many people and places.

Logistics And Other Details Have Been Mostly Worked Out:

The specifics of this transition, as are planned so far, are to have a period for answering your questions, hearing your concerns, and sharing what is going on. This period of time will also be when you should be thinking about the changes you will see in your relationship with me, and to think about the different feelings you might have about it.

During the interim period of this announcement to my starting full-time living, I will be around to answer questions, and certainly welcome your words and prayers of support. Additionally, you may start to see me "trying out" some ways of presenting myself. I humbly beg your indulgence in this, but rest assured that I will remain appropriate to the situation.

I will be taking a two-week vacation just prior to May 1st (or whichever day it will actually work to return, depending on calendar and travel stuff), after which time I will come to work as NEW NAME.

I intend this letter to go out coincidentally with the all-hands meeting announcing this as well; that meeting won't be discussed here. An aspect of the meeting that carries on in this interim period is that you will be provided time to ask questions, think about what this means for you, etc., in a way that will be safe for you, and that you won't have to worry about hurting my feelings (although I assure you that probably won't happen), or worry about being embarrassed. I encourage each of you to talk this over with your SUPERVISOR, and to read some of the material I have furnished on my web site and in the library. In addition, there are a wealth of on-line resources if you wish to delve more into this area. I am also open to talking about certain aspects of the transition, the condition of GID, gender dysphoria, and so on.

Acknowledgements:

In all of this, there have been a few people for whom I would like to offer appreciations and commendments:

PERSONAL FRIEND 1 has been a very good and close friend, and being the first person I told at work about what I'm going through, she has been with it the longest. Her support has been instrumental, both inside and outside work, and I truly revel in her friendship.

PERSONAL FRIEND 2, as the very next person I told, might have been an obvious choice, and yet, I wanted to tell her because I knew she would also have a great deal of insight into what it is to live closeted, with secrets that you think are too dangerous to tell. My hopes have been more that borne up by her understanding, empathy and support. She also is a very good and true friend.

SUPERVISOR had this sort of dropped on her, but at no time have I felt that she was even remotely resentful of it; quite the opposite, in fact.

SUPERVISOR has been instrumental in bringing the logistics of transition together, as one would expect with someone of her integrity and caliber. But more than that, she has been genuinely interested in seeing me progress, become more fully alive and healthy, and has been quite welcoming and excited about my transition.

These people have been sterling examples of how good we can be to each other. I also appreciate more broadly the sort of environment we have created in our department that gives the space and encouragement for this help and support to work well. I hold you all quite dear in my heart, and I know that we will be able to work together in the future at least as well as we have in the past.

My very best regards,

OLD NAME

Categories: Transition, Work